Melissa McCarthy Has A Whole Lot Of Wigs


( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>HI THERE, GUYS!>>Stephen: HEY, FUNNY LADY,
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.>>HEY, FUNNY LADY!>>Stephen: I MET YOUR FOLKS
BACK STAGE.>>MIKE AND SAN DIARE HERE.>>Stephen: THAT IS SO NICE. I DON’T GET TO MEET EVERYBODY’S
PARENTS WHO ARE ON THE SHOW.>>WE HAVE BEEN JUST TRAVELING
AROUND NEW YORK. WE’RE JUST ALL STUFFED INTO A
TRUCK. IT’S, LIKE, WHEN THE DOOR OPENS
AND WE KEEP COMING OUT, PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, WAIT, WHAT’S GOING ON
IN THERE.>>Stephen: I KNOW YOU GREW UP
IN RURAL ILLINOIS, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE A TRUCK EVERYWHERE
YOU GO.>>IT’S AN SUV. I JUST RAY THEM OUT IN THE BACK.>>Stephen: LAST TIME, YOU AND
YOUR HUSBAND WERE ON TOGETHER, IS THAT IT?>>WE WERE ON TOGETHER, WHICH HE
WON’T LET GO OF.>>Stephen: WE DID OUR COOKING
CONTEST AND HE BEAT YOU.>>NO, I THINK HE BEAT ME, BUT
THEN YOU SAID I WON, AND HE SAID, THIS IS A CROCK! HE BRINGS IT UP A LOT.>>Stephen: I WANT ALL THE
GUESTS TO LIKE ME. ( LAUGHTER )
HE SAID YOU WILL DO ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH, AND ARE THERE LIMITS —
AND WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE GONE, PERHAPS REGRETTABLY
FAR?>>I’VE NEVER HURT A HUMAN
BEING, THAT I KNOW OF. ( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, I’VE GONE PROBABLY FARTHER THAN ANY GOOD SENSE. I BROKE MY NOSE — OR FRACTURED
MY NOSE ON STAGE ONCE. IT WAS —
>>Stephen: FUNNY SO FAR. ( LAUGHTER )
>>YEAH, THAT WAS NOT EVEN SADNESS. THAT WAS LIKE, OH…>>Stephen: HOW DID THIS COME
ABOUT?>>WE WERE IN PREVIEWS AT THE
THEATER IN LOS ANGELES, A PLACE BEN AND I WERE AT 500 YEARS
TOGETHER TO IT WAS WONDERFUL. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO
MAKE SOMEONE I WORK WITH JEALOUS. I SENT MYSELF FLOWERS. AND I WAS, LIKE, CHOCOLATES? WHO LIKES ME? AND THE FINAL THING IS I SENT
MYSELF A HUGE THING OF BALLOONS. THE BIT, IT’S THREE MINUTES. THE SCENE IS DONE, IT’S TIME TO
GET OUT OF THERE. SO I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THESE
BALLOONS AND HE WAS, LIKE, I DON’T CARE, STOP SENDING
YOURSELF — I WAS SUPPOSED TO POP THE BALLOONS AND BASICALLY
THE SCENE IS DONE. I DIDN’T KNOW MILAR BALLOONS
DON’T POP. FUN FACT, GUYS, THEY DON’T. SO I HAD A HUGE HORSE, I HAD ALL
THESE HUGE THINGS.>>Stephen: A MILAR BALLOON
HORSE?>>YES.>>Stephen: I LIKE IT. AND WE WERE AT A SCENE AND I
THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PULL THEM DOWN, PUNCH THEM ALL, THROW THEM
AWAY AND WALK OUT. AND I STARTED PUNCHING, AND THEN
IT WENT, LIKE, I WAS WELL INTO A MINUTE, I WAS IN A FULL FLOP
SWEAT, AND NOW I’M LITERALLY LIKE, OOOH! I’M PUNCHING IT IN A WAY AT THE
PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, OH, THIS IS NOT GOING WELL. AND I KEPT PUNCHING IT. NOW I’M IN A PANIC. I’M HOLDING THE BALLOON,
STANDING STRAIGHT UP, SLAMMING MYSELF ON THE GROUND AND
BOUNCING OFF. LIKE, IT WASN’T —
>>Stephen: TRYING TO GET IT TO POP.>>I’M INTO TWO MINUTES. TWO AND A HALF MINUTES. I’M WRITHING AROUND ON THE
FLOOR. AND NOW I’M ON MY KNEES AND LIKE
A HORROR MOVIE WHEN SOMEONE MOVES TOO FAST, I’M SLAMMING
MYSELF DOWN ON THESE BALLOONS, TRYING TO POP THEM. WELL, EVENTUALLY, ONE POPPED AND
I WAS LIKE, OH! I WASN’T THINK ABOUT WHERE MY
FACE WAS GOING. SO I WENT LIKE THAT AND SLAMMED
MY FACE INTO THE FLOORBOARDS OF THE STAGE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
RIGHT?>>Stephen: SURE. I HAD TO SEE A SURGEON. I WENT TO SEE A DOCTOR TO MAKE
SURE THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO RESET IT. HE SAID, I’M GOING TO NEED YOU
TO EXPLAIN THAT ONE MORE TIME. THEY HAD NURSES COME IN. THEY ALL LISTENED TO THE STORY
AND THEY WERE, LIKE, THAT’S CRAZY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? I HAVE STUFF UP MY NOSE, AND I
WAS, LIKE, UH, I WAS TRYING TO MAKE APONENT.>>Stephen: STARS ARE MADE IN
THE EMERGENCY ROOM.>>BAD DECISIONS, MILAR
BALLOONS.>>Stephen: AND WIGS. YOU REALLY ROCK SOME FABULOUS
WIGS HERE.>>I JUST LOVE A WIG, GUYS! I LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MY MOM
SAN DIIN THAT ONE. YOU PUT A WIG ON — I DON’T KNOW
IF YOU’VE EVER TREATED YOURSELF TO SOME TIME IN A WIG BUT DO IT.>>Stephen: IT’S A VACATION
FROM YOURSELF.>>IT IS A VACATION TO YOURSELF.>>Stephen: MY FRIEND HAS A
HUGE WIG COLLECTION. DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN COLLECTION?>>I HAVE A LOT OF WIGS, AND I
THINK, GENETICALLY, I MAY HAVE — I MAY HAVE PASSED DOWN
MY LOVE OF WIGS TO MY GIRLS, WHICH, ACTUALLY FILLS ME WITH
PRIDE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOUR GIRLS?>>NOW THEY’RE EIGHT AND ELEVEN.>>Stephen: OKAY. BUT THEY USED TO DO THIS
THING WHEN THEY FIRST — THEY HAD A COUPLE OF KIND OF SHORT
PERM MIDWESTERN GAL WIGS ON WHEN THEY WERE PROBABLY MAYBE THREE
AND SIX, AND WE USED TO PLAY THIS GAME WHERE THEY WERE BARB
AND CAROL, AND THEY WORKED TOGETHER AT AN OFFICE, AND THEY
HAD HAD IT! SO WE GOT THEM — WE HAD OLD
TYPE WRITERS, PHONES, ALL THESE FILES AND PENCILS, AND BEN AND I
WERE, LIKE, OH, THIS ACTUALLY GIVES US A MINUTE TO JUST SIT
AND HANG OUT. THEY WOULD BE DOWN THE HALLWAY,
AND WE WOULD BE, LIKE, GIVE ME THE MA GILL CUTTY FILE! AND THEY WERE JUST GOING THROUGH
FILES, AND THEY WOULD START FIGHTING LIKE TWO OLDER WOMEN IN
AN OFFICE, THEY’RE LIKE, BARB, YOU’RE KILLING ME! WHERE IS IT? AND WE WOULD WAIT AND CHAT. AND WHEN WE WOULD THINK THEY’RE
DYING DOWN, THEY WOULD BE, LIKE, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME,
CAROL! AND THEY WOULD START UP AND PLAY
BARB AND CAROL WITH WIGS ON THAT WERE WAY TOO BIG FOR THEIR HEADS
AND I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT A TEXAS DAD FEELS LIKE WHEN THEIR
BOY PLAYS FOOTBALL. BECAUSE I TRULY, WHEN THEY FIRST
CAME OUT IN THE WIGS, I THOUGHT, THAT’S BEAUTIFUL. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: HOLD THAT THOUGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GO TO COMMERCIAL. WHEN WE COME BACK MORE MELISSA
McCARTHY. STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

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