– After Ari Shaffir exposed
himself last night at Skankfest, we’re gonna emotionally
expose ourselves. – I have so many
Dan questions. – And I will threaten to suck
Jay’s emotional dick. That’s what we are. We’re the afternoon show! ♪♪ ♪♪ (indistinct chatter) – I’m gonna go smoke
a cigarette then. – I think you guys should
probably get downstairs into position.
– I understand what you’re saying. – Five minutes.
Five minutes. – Is that true? ♪♪ So ready. How do I look?
Country-western? – Yeah, but like–
– From Boston? – But like casual Friday
on a country-western. – And now “The Bonfire” with
Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder, live from Skankfest,
New York. (cheering and applause) – What’s up, Skankfest? (cheering and applause) – “The Bonfire” is with you. This is Skankfest, so definitely
people are drunk already. It’s 2:00 p.m.
– Yeah. I didn’t realize how your
moon tower gear quickly turns into
Oklahoma pimp very fast. You look like you sell ladies
at truck stops. – Looks all right though, right?
– Looks fucking cool as shit. – I don’t take any shit
and I don’t barter. – I’m wearing an original
banished T-shirt of Luis throwing the whiskey
at Kurt Metzger. – If we’re being–
If we’re being accurate though, it only accomplished
hitting me. – Yeah, well, it shows you–
– Kurt shied away like a very nervous idiot
and then I human-shielded him. – It looks fucking–
dude, Vecchione and I were laughing so hard
at how much it looks like an actual renaissance painting. ‘Cause Luis’s elbow
is perfectly bent. And then I showed
Tony Hinchcliffe and he goes, yeah, they cut me out
of that picture. He’s like all the way
to the right like, ah, shit. – It looks like the Last Supper,
but like one person got drunk and started making fun
of the other one’s wife. What, dude?
– Yeah, it’s like this would be the Last Supper at Applebee’s. – Yeah.
– It’s like, the fuck did you say to me
when I was eatin’ my skins? Shout out to the camper
who made me the Caldonia shirt. I don’t know where you are,
but that’s fucking rad, dude. Yeah, what’s up?
That was, uh– Any time you get the memorabilia
of where your father started drinking himself
to death. – I mean, that’s crazy.
– I think that’s such a weird trophy to get.
You’re like, hey, this is when things really start going nuts.
Never forget. – Playing video games
in a fucking bar. I have a feeling though,
a Skankfest crowd, a lot of these kids
grew up in a bar. – Yeah. (stammering) Yesterday on stage,
I said that Skankfest feels like if you failed the eighth grade
and got to throw a party. Everyone’s like, fuck yeah!
– Fuck school, right? – School’s stupid! I’m gonna piss outside! – I don’t think we even
said it yet of course, but this is the fucking
“Bonfire.” We are Big Jay Oakerson
and Dan Soder. Of course it wouldn’t be
a “Bonfire” show if we didn’t have our
fucking crew in the house. Let’s introduce them. – Do it. – Of course,
right to my left, the slickest mofo
in all of radio, everybody. How about it for producer
Black Lou? (cheering and applause) – Black Lou! ♪♪ – Before she runs away into
the audience, everybody… put your hand up, dummy. – Christine.
– Christine Evans. (cheering and applause) The baddest bitch in radio. – And a cackle
that’ll make your ears bleed. She’s our hawk screech. – Ah, unless of course,
can you ever forget the fucking man himself,
everyone? I’ll call him
the King of Skankfest, everyone. Jacob Battat, everyone.
– Yes! Oh, captain, my captain! Jacob is the shit! – The ladies love Jacob. – And dudes too. Yeah. Hi, I’m Dan Soder, president
of Dudes Who Love Jacob. – Uh, and last,
but never least, everyone, the life’s blood
of “The Bonfire,” how about it for
DJ “Dead Rat” Lou Witzki? (cheering and applause) ♪♪ –DJ Lou.–I get a lot of pussy.– Guys. The man is severely underpaid. – I don’t know
if we said it yet– – You hear that, Viacom, with your flashy cameras? Get Lou Witzki
more gin money! – Should we sit?
– Yeah. – We take a siesta?
– Yeah, I don’t know, yeah. Let’s sit down.
It feels too casual. – Hey, everyone.
– For two stoners to sit in such comfy chairs.
– These really are. It’s like, Dan,
what’s your favorite curse word? – Ohh…
if I were to sleep– If you were to wake up
anywhere in the world, where would it be? It’s so fucking incredible,
Skankfest, just to watch it grow
from being a thing at The Creek that was like kind of
a half experiment to then last year to like now. It’s fucking awesome.
– From 300 people, dude, to like we have 1,200-some
or more people here now. Fucking crazy. – And this is something– What’s really cool,
and I hope you guys know this as the audience,
but like the comics– Everyone’s been saying
the same shit, which is like, you expect this to suck
when you’re doing stand-up and it’s the best.
Like they listen. – Yeah.
– No one interrupts. It’s fucking unbelievable. It’s just so cool to see. – Well, they hear us complain about shitty audiences so much. – Yeah, but what
I’m saying is, y’all have been conditioned
Colt style. And it’s great.
– Just laugh and be cool. – We drink the Kool-Aid when
Luis says drink the Kool-Aid. Dude, if Luis ended Skankfest
with a mass suicide… – All right, everyone,
bottoms up. – And then there’s just… – You know,
on last year’s Skankfest, we did the intervention
for Lou Witzki. As I sit here now drinking
what I can only describe as rosé and vodka… – What the fuck? – It’s gotta be
some rapper’s drink, right? – No, man, rosé and–
– Called like a Drake Cake or something?
– No, rosé and vodka is like a Real Housewife
of Beverly Hills. That’s like a woman
that needs to get hammered. – You know, Charles is going out
of town next weekend. – I’m starting to sleep
with my trainer Juan. Charles never would touch me
the way he does. – DJ Lou, where you at
on the drinking? Oh, you have some.
– Oh, buddy! – I wish that was
even planned. – For those of you
who can’t see, it’s just a flask of Jameson.
– Aah! – Flask is the wrong word.
It’s a bottle of Jameson. – Yeah, looks like that
intervention did not stick. But good for you, Lou.
Chase who you are. Happy belated birthday,
which was yesterday, to Lou Witzki.
– Hell yeah. (cheering and applause) ♪♪ – How much do you wish
you had your– keep going. Don’t turn it down. ♪♪ – I like when Dan
encourages drinking ’cause he just can’t.
You like, you make faces while they sip
and you’re going like… – No, he’s drink-cucking me. I’m like, yeah,
go on, yeah. – See, I drink drinks in front
of you that you would call gay ’cause you wouldn’t
drink this anyway. – Fuck yeah, I would.
Vodka in it? That’s what makes it drinkable.
– Rosé and vodka. What are you talking about?
I’m drinking like Lil Jon. – Dude, let’s just start doing
codeine cough syrup at live shows.
– So you wanna just fucking– – Should we do that?
Do you guys– Should we do sizzurp
at the Christmas show? – Yeah.
– Just chopped and screwed “Bonfire,” like…
(mumbling) – That’s not even falling off
the wagon for you, dude. You’re just trying
to fucking beat a sick cold. – I don’t know.
I wouldn’t mind doin’ sizzurp. It’s just Sprite
and fucking codeine. Jacob, stop trying to produce
such a fun live show. –Aah!– I didn’t even see
Jacob’s cowboy shirt, dude. That’s fucking awesome.
– Thank you. – Who is it?
– It’s Jerry Reed. – Fuck yeah.
– The great Jerry Reed. – That’s how you know you have
a Skankfest crowd. – For those of you who can’t,
he turned his upper body slightly when he said it.
He went, Jerry Reed. – That’s right.
– Does anybody here know who Jerry Reed is? I do.
– Raise your hand. Raise your hand if you know
who Jerry Reed is. – He was on fucking “Scooby-Doo”
all the time, man. But he was from
“Smokey and the Bandit,” yeah. – Got it.
– He was a singer. – Yeah, great singer.
– Well, settle down, Jacob. Legend before his time. – Our guest
on the live “Bonfire,” never been on a fucking
“Bonfire,” which is criminal. He’s got one of the best
podcasts out there and live shows,
“Kill Tony.” Please welcome Tony.
– The Golden Pony. – “The Golden Pony”
Tony Hinchcliffe! (cheering and applause) Welcome to “The Bonfire.” Wherever you want,
yeah, boom. Welcome to “The Bonfire,” Tony.
– What’s up, guys? So good to be here.
First ever “Bonfire.” (cheering and applause) – What a way to make
an entrance. Slick Goldust jacket on. – Yeah.
– I’m sorry that you were edited out of the shirt
I’m wearing. – Oh, I know.
That’s fucking crazy. I’m exactly where
the frame starts. I’m right behind the frame.
– And Tony made a good point. For the people
listening at home, it’s a picture of the–
when Luis, I guess, attempted to throw
a plastic cup of water at Kurt to really
send a message. And instead, I scurried
and ate most of that shit. What we do forget in that story
sometimes upon the retelling, ’cause that’s where
the violence kicked off, was that the real fucking,
you know, African green monkey of this story–
– What? – The patient zero,
isn’t that what started AIDS? – Whoo!
– Are you trying to say I have AIDS, Big Jay? – There was some real turbulence
there for a second. – I guess you guys don’t look
into AIDS history. – (laughs)
Sorry, “And the Band Played On.” – Guess you guys aren’t into
“Philadelphia” like I was. But no, that whole thing, that
melee got to that point at all upon Tony Hinchcliffe’s
suggestion of like, why don’t you just call Kurt?
– Yeah. Well, I didn’t even ask
you guys. I actually went
over your head. I went, how many people
in the audience think Luis should call Kurt and put him
on speakerphone right now? The place went crazy.
– And every Skank fan knows like, oh, you wanna make–
that would be like you be like, hey, you guys wanna see me mix
gasoline with dynamite? Yeah, they’re not
gonna be like– You guys ever put Mentos
in a Diet Coke? They’re like…
(screaming) – It was so fun. The part
that bothers me the most is I’m actually the one
that got hit by that cup. – The cup hit you?
I got all the juices inside. – Yeah.
– But Luis spills fluids on me almost weekly. I’ll tell you what.
For Luis being not into sports or anything at all,
he’s really following through like fucking Randy Johnson, man.
– Yeah. – That guy’s fucking Nolan Ryan.
– And we’re gonna tweet out this picture,
@TheBonfireSXM. But his follow through
does look like a child’s sports trophy.
– I can’t believe he threw– Usually when you throw a cup,
you feel like you’re just gonna throw it like that.
The fact that he did the– is hilarious.
– He came all the way around. – Yeah.
– He must get that good from not playing catch
with his son. – Yeah! – What you can’t see is
Tony Hinchcliffe’s behind there giving the strike signal.
Aah! – Hiyah!
– Aah! – Luis goes,
come on, Blue! – Where’s your strike zone? – Come on!
What game are you watching? – Uh, Tony, you are an annual
guest here always at Skankfest. – I love it.
Skankfest is my favorite thing. I’ve signed a lifetime contract
to Skankfest. – Yeah!
– Hell yeah. – I call it the Chernobyl
of vape pens. We’ll never know how much longer
we would’ve lived. The side effects
have not quite kicked in yet. – Yeah, they’re like,
how’s Skankfest? You’re like, it’s hazy.
– Yeah. – There’s a medium vape
haze to it. – People that walk through
the Brooklyn Bazaar for years to come will get
cancer and they won’t know why. – I’m gonna have one of those–
– No, not with all the CBD. – Yeah, I’m gonna have
a Zika baby because of this. Like it travels
in your blood. – Dan’s gonna give birth
to a pinhead. – Yeah, what happened?
They’re like, were you severely exposed to vape juices?
– Yeah. We all turn into green African
AIDS monkeys. (laughter) – The African green monkey.
Anyone on that? No one? Not one person’s heard that
in their life, ever? – Yeah!
– The same amount of people know about
the old cowboy Jerry– – Jerry Reed!
– (laughing) Jerry Reed. – You guys are really coming in
with some hot references. – Did Jerry Reed sing
“The Dukes of Hazzard” theme? – Jacob! Where’s Jacob?
Where’s Jacob Battat? Jacob, what is–your shirt looks
like your dead grandfather. – It looks like you
if someone like– – Step on stage so people
in the back can see. Get up on stage.
– This is such a cool shirt. – You’re such a cool shirt.
– I wore this– – It’s a very cool shirt. I thought it was Dan
from Austin, Texas. – I thought it was a memorial
to me, I’m a little butt hurt. – ♪ Just the good ol’ boys ♪ – This is incredible, Jacob.
I’ve never seen someone hold a microphone that’s
as big as they are. (laughter) – That’s why he lifts– that’s
why he works out so hard. – We need to get this guy one of
those thin Bob Barker mics. – Yeah! Jacob has to use
core strength for his mic. – Be sure to “spayed” your pets. – Yeah.
– I’ve never heard– I’ve never heard
a short joke before. – What’s your goal here
at CrossFit? To hold a mic. (laughter) I wanna hold a mic.
– All right, four rounds. You’re doing 22 mic grabs. 14 burpees. – You’re doing two “Kill Tonys”
here, right? – Yeah.
– Tonight and tomorrow? – Yep, one at 7:00 tonight,
one at 4:00 tomorrow. – Thank God you don’t have
a naked clause where you have to see
their weird balls while they’re failing at comedy.
– Oh, I swear to God– – You saw the guy’s balls
last night, right? – I almost,
I’m not exaggerating, I almost physically passed out
laughing so hard at last night’s naked roast. When the– when the retarded guy
came out and– – His nuts.
– I’ve never seen a guy with a dick more retarded
than he was. Like his– he was retarded,
but his dick had Down Syndrome. – Yeah, that’s like– usually
the deal with the universe is like if you are retarded,
you get like a huge, beautiful dick. – (laughing)
Right. This guy– (overlapping chatter) Oh, what?
– Just a big ol’ retard dick. Yeah.
– What’s weird is whatever– whoever’s laughing in the back
was a laugh of honesty, where they go,
“Heh heh heh heh.” – (laughter)
– It’s just behind me, like… “That’s why I go help
and volunteer, so I could see all those dicks.” (laughter) – I mean, he was blessed
with nothing. – Nothin’!
– His jokes were bad, his dick was horrendous. – His jokes weren’t– no one
understood a word he said. – It’s almost the perfect–
that’s the perfect act for that. – Everyone was just lookin’
at those fuckin’… Dude, his nuts…
each one had its own sack. It looked like the–
if you grabbed his dick, it’d be like the…
(makes sloshing sounds) – Like a milk udder?
– Like the click-clack game. – Like an udder? – No, no, it was… I wish he was here. – On the contrary to that, my good friend and cast mate
on “Kill Tony,” the great Joelberg
judged last night. – (cheering and applause)
– And… – That’s– that’s only cheers for that fuckin’ hammer
he had, dude. – Well–
– He should only be naked. – And he literally has
huge dick energy, and he came out, and of course
you’re curious, right? It’s your buddy,
you’re gonna look. And the fuckin’–
it was so big, it looked like
Jacob’s microphone. – Yeah! Wait, Tony,
you had never seen it, being on the road
with him as much? – Nope, I’ve always– – What the fuck do you do with
your people on the road, Dan? – Well…
– I don’t know, what do you– Shane and I bump tummies, dude. – All right, everybody,
time to compare dicks in the hotel room. – Shane, Justin, it’s time for
naked hide-and-seek. – All right, go ahead.
– Yeah. – Time to see who features
and who hosts. – Ohh.
– Get ’em out. – Oh, if you plump me up,
you get more time. – No, you’re not
far off, though. It’s been close because
we do this thing sometimes called a Mexican drum-off. If anybody that comes up
knows how to play the drums, they can challenge Joel
for his entire job. He’s never lost it. But it’s a drum solo
versus a drum solo. First guy goes,
and Joel usually comes out and put on a big show,
and one of the things he usually does, he has
a sock over his penis. And I’ve always wondered
how he got the sock to stay on his penis,
but now I understand. – Now you know, yeah. Because his dick is a foot size
9 through 12. – Yeah! Heh heh.
– (laughter) – His dick is a Hanes sock. (laughter) His dick is just
a filled-out sock. – Yeah.
– Dude, you know how much that hurts to even hear that?
When I went to a– I may have said this
on the show before. When I was going
to light therapy… – Yeah.
– Which is basically standing in like a tanning booth,
more or less. They give you a really long
sock to cover your dick, and I had to roll it up
like Adebisi’s hat. Like, it looked like–
just a yarmulke. And then I would fuckin’
tuck it into the– where my fuckin’ leg hits
my thing, to hold it in place, ’cause if not, there’s nothing
worse than being in a tube, and the dick thing– I don’t
wanna get fuckin’, you know, green monkey AIDS cancer
in my dick. So then I have to like
squat down and pick it up… – Ohh.
– …and then put that little winter hat back on my pud.
– Ohh. – Ohh, I put my nuts in it
and everything. – It’s like Joe Pesci’s hat
in “Home Alone.” – Yeah.
– Yeah! – He just keeps gettin’
fuckin’ burnt. – Aaaah!
– When a clown wears a little top hat. – (gibberish) – There it is, Dave Smith.
Dave Smith’s picture. Yeah.
– (laughing) – Dude, that’s
fuckin’ hilarious. – Meanwhile, this guy’s fillin’
out a fuckin’ tube sock like he’s gonna go shovel snow. – Yeah.
– (laughing) – This guy goes,
“Give me as surgical glove. This will be funny.”
Did you– So when he walked out, you were
like, “Oh, there it is.” – I– that’s another time– I mean, I was just
dying of laughter. Like, I mean, there’s something
about seeing your buddy, who should have a giant dick,
having a giant dick. The crowd went crazy. His dick was literally like
four or five times bigger than anybody else’s dick.
– Yeah. – You gotta him ’em with
that Dennis Green. Like, “They are who
we thought they were!” – I hate to go back to the well
of how impressed I was, but it was thinner at the base
and thicker at the top, which means when it gets big,
that thing thickens up nice. – Oh, yeah.
– That– You should call that
a rattlesnake. – Oh, yeah, dude.
– Ss-ss-ss-ss-ss-ss! – That thing’s comin’ atcha.
– Thing little rattler lets you know it plumps up. – I’m telling you,
about inch three, there’s a part where most girls
gotta go, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
All right, there we are.” – So you’ll put him on your
Naked Avengers with Justin. If you’re putting together
a super team of naked dudes… – Yeah.
– …to judge a naked roast battle.
– Yeah. I mean, it’s hilarious, between
four dicks that were out… for “SDR Show” last night… You missed
a lot of cock, Dan. I, uh, I told you
not to leave. And then, uh… and then
all the dick at Naked Roast, it’s amazing how many of them
looked identical. I mean, every guy’s dick
was just about… a two-in– like an inch
and a half to two inches soft. And then fuckin’ Joelberg
came out, and I mean… I’ve never seen a guy
more confident in my life. I mean, he was sitting
with such a swag. His dick was hanging
over the chair. – Yeah!
– Yeah. That’s basically his version
of being seven foot tall and showing up–
– There he is over there. Hey, how you doing?
– Hey! – Hey, there he is!
– (cheering and applause) – There’s my boy!
– That’s his… – Joelberg… Joelberg…
– Joelberg… – Yeah, hey!
– Joelberg. Him showing–
– Man, you got a– You got a big dick,
when dudes are talking about it
the next day. – Oh, my God, we’re having
a fuckin’ Comic Con panel about it. – Yeah.
– But if you– If you show up with a bid dick
for like a naked roast battle, you are like a seven-foot guy
showing up to a gym to play basketball…
you’re like, this is– – Let me see if I can get laid
in this place at all. Anybody think that dick
was too big? (silence) (laughter) You sluts.
– (laughter) – You fuckin’ baggy pussy sluts.
– Whoa! – No, they all are.
– Jay, you’re lashin’ out! – Someone should have clapped!
I have a girlfriend here! – You do have–
You do have the shirt of a guy who would be mad about
another guy’s big dick. – It does look like
I fuckin’ kill hookers. – Yeah.
(shouting indistinctly) – Another one of my favorite
things about Naked Roast Battle is year after year
watching Zac Amico’s dick go farther into his body.
– (laughter) – It’s like this year,
it was just the piercing. – Yeah.
– And a ball sack underneath it. – Now you realize why
that piercing’s necessary, in case you gotta go,
“There it is.” – That’s a safety harness
to pull it out of the body. – It’s like, “I’m sorry, man,
I gotta check your dick. Oh, no worries.”
– He goes, “Oh, that piercing’s
not sexual at all. It’s to pull my penis from
the innards of my body.” – It’s like how you inflate
the safe preserver on an airplane, like “pppuh!” – Phsh! Phsh! He thinks
he’s about to get blown. He’s like, “Hit air into it.”
Phsh! Phsh! – Dan, you got a big, fat,
serious dick, why don’t– – No, I don’t.
I have a real medium. I got a real 86-mile-an-hour
fastball. – Would you pull it out
in public ever? – No.
– I wouldn’t care if a picture of it went
around the world hard. – If you did…
– But soft dick? In a roomful of live people?
– Yeah. – No. They tell their friends,
and then their friends tell– It’s the same way fuckin’
Planet of the Apes disease killed everybody, it’s just…
– If it was a– – Then it gets to
a flight attendant, who starts telling people
on the loudspeakers. – If it was a–
like a small audience on a Caribbean island,
where the humidity was– it was hot, so you knew you
were gonna get a good dangle. – Balls were hangin’
heavy, yeah. – And everything,
the whole package is hangin’. – Mm-hmm.
– Maybe. – Nah, I would have
to have a rager that was like– – You’d have to come out–
comin’ out boned up seems like an aggressive move.
– If I’m gonna be– It’s so funny,
the conditions I need to get naked in public
or show my dick in public would be so funny
that it would be the– like, I’d have
to lay on the ground, legs wide open, and then push
on either side of it, so I feel like it’s all right. And then I’d be like,
“Send in the line.” As the people walk by,
I’m like, “How are ya?” – Oh, dude–
– “How are ya? “How are ya?
Welcome to Skankfest. Happy Skankfest.
Enjoy your Skankfest.” – They show you
like an old sideshow. “Step right up!
See the lion man’s penis!” – You see, Big Jay’s on
the landing between the stairs. Fuckin’… while the girl’s
doing hula hoop. “Hey. Hey, everyone.
Happy Skankfest. Happy Skankfest.” – A literal “meat and greet.” (laughter) (scattered applause) – Who is now the Artist Formerly
Known as Big Jay Oakerson. (laughter) – Yeah.
Oh, fuck that, dude. That’s so– we should do that
next year at Skank– – Yeah. “Grower Not Shower
Jay Oakerson.” – Big Jay and his new sidekick
Little Jay Pokerson. – Yeah.
– (laughter) – “Come see–” And then
I’m just barking people in. “Come see the Jays! Come for the little one,
stay for the big one!” – “Come see it!
Big man, little penis! Come on in!” – “Then, in this dark room, it’s
the Thundercock of Joelberg.” (laughter) “Put your hand on this pole.” – It’s just him like flicking it
and breaking drywall. Psh! Psh! – Like Tom Po’s kicks. He’s just sending his dick
into the wall. Khush! “No, you
don’t understand! I was in the other room,
the wall is falling!” – Joelberg should set up a booth
where he just– you could hold a pencil out, and
he just breaks it with his dick. Like psh! – “Are you stronger
than the strongest cock? Try your strength.” – “It’s broken graphite.
Boon!” – Uh, we gotta move on
to the AMA, correct, Jacob? – Is it almost time?
Are you cool, Tony, to answer anything?
– Sure, sure, why not? – They’re gonna ask us anything.
– Wow. When we come back from break.
– Okay. – So I hope,
since we announced it. We probably also
should have said, “Think of some questions,
everybody.” (fire crackling) ♪♪ – Hey, guys, it’s Black Lou.
– And White Lou. – And we are here at Skankfest
in Brooklyn, New York. (crowd cheering) Today, we are gonna pit
two campers up against each other
in a Bonfire trivia contest to find out who is
the biggest Bonfire fan. And they will be taking home
an ultimate Bonfire grand prize. ♪♪ (cheering and applause) – Hi, Stephanie,
a.k.a. Falconi. – I’m Ryan,
a.k.a. the Ginga Ninja. I’m gonna ask you a series
of Bonfire questions, ranging from easy to hard. – Okay.
– Unfortunately, I couldn’t get Vanna White to return
my fuckin’ text messages, but… we have
the next best thing. White Lou. – Hi, I’m Ryan. (laughter) – White Lou is going to
keep our score today to find out who
gets to take home the ultimate grand prize. All you have to do is be
the first one to answer the question out loud. What is White Lou’s
favorite band? – Pearl Jam.
– Pearl Jam. – Falconi.
– Yeah, you ever see them live? (laughter) – White Lou’s
twin brother’s name. – Will.
– Will. – Where is Jacob’s
favorite place to visit? – Florida.
– Florida. – What is Jacob’s
favorite animal? – (both)
Sharks. – Hmm, that sounds like a tie. (bell chimes) – Who is Jacob’s favorite
NASCAR driver? – Uh, Joey Logano.
– Joey Logano. (chime) – What is Black Lou’s
favorite type of woman? – (both)
White. (scattered cheers) – What word does Christine
have a hard time pronouncing? – Women.
– Women. – Chet Hayes is the rapper son– – Tom Hanks.
– Tom Hanks. – Name a member of Pearl Jam
that is not Eddie Vedder. – Mike McCready. – Mike McCready!
– (chime) – You suck.
– (laughter) – Lou got scammed by a cam girl.
What was her name? – Bunny.
– Bunny. No, that was… (man)
Damn, girl. – Say two Roman Colombo drops. – “You dig?” – “Feng shui.” – Wait…
– That’s one each, right? – Um… – “Anything you want, big girl.” – Cool.
– Oh. – What show did Black Lou see that was five hours long? – Uh, “Harry Potter,”
the Broadway one. – (chuckling) Yeah.
– You got it. – Who won the first
air drum battle? – Jay. Big Jay. (chime) – What club does The Bonfire
perform at in Austin, Texas? – Marine Tower.
– “Anton’s.” – Yeah, “Anton’s.”
– (chime) – Antone’s.
– Antone’s. – Whatever.
– What are the first names of the two people that record our
show weekly from Comedy Central? – Cory and Lynn.
– Cory and Lynn. Damn it. – What restaurant did Dan
and Christine work at together? (both speak indistinctly) – All right, this is
a bonus question. This is gonna be two points
if you do it– if you win this
little round here. Do your favorite Jacob
drop impression. – (deep voice) Ohh. – There’s ass cheeks. – That’s a tough one.
Two points. You gotta give it to him.
– (chime) – Okay, we are at
the end of the games. We’re gonna ask DJ Lou
who won this. DJ Lou.
– It’s a dead tie. – He says it’s a dead tie. He also wrote “Pearl Jam rules”
on there. – Well, that’s true.
– Uh… – But he wrote it on my side,
so I win. – Bonus question.
– I got one. What was the name of the (bleep)
where I (bleep bleep)? (crickets chirping) – Nope.
– Come on, prudes. – Do you call her Bunny, too?
Does that count? – Damn it.
– No, it’s too hard. It was (bleep).
– Give me one more. (ominous music) – What did Jay’s father think
his middle name was? – Michael.
– Bang, you win. – No, no, his middle name
is Michael. – Oh, no, he’s right.
He’s right. – So his middle name was James.
– Thought it was James. – Yep.
– Damn it, you win! (cheering and applause) – So that makes our winner
Mr. Ginga Ninja himself. Ryan, we have two grand prizes
for you today. One, you and the wife
are gonna sit front row to watch the show.
– Can I bring a friend? – Another one, yes.
And two… what we have for you…
is the Bonfire dog dildo. (cheering and applause) Enjoy. (applause) See you guys next time.
Crackle crackle. (cheering and applause) – Can we edit out that I
(bleep bleep bleep), please? (crackling) – It is “The Bonfire,”
live at Skankfest. (cheering and applause) Our guests from the podcast
“Kill Tony,” the Tony Hinchcliffe. – (cheering and applause)
– Hey, wow. – And now the first-ever Bonfire
AMA, which is gonna be… (announcer)
And now, it’s time for“Ask Me Anything.”Here’s your host,
Jacob Battat!(cheering and applause) Hello! Hey, you flunkies and floozies, it’s me, Jakey Big Dick! The one your wives
and girlfriends think about when they’re cumming. If they ever do. (laughter) Welcome to “The Bonfire” AMA! (cheering and applause) That means “Ask Me Anything,”
for any of you dipshits who don’t know what
an acronym means. Which is most of you inbreds. (scattered laughter) I’d call you juggalos, but at least they’re fans
of successful wiggers. (laughter) – This is fuckin’ mean, Jacob. You’re just a mean man
under all that timidness. (laughter) – Yes, here’s the deal,
you “slittle”… Here’s the deal,
you little sluts. – (Dan laughing) – You get to ask,
dome piece, finger gloves… and donkey cackle. Anything you want! I’m hosting, so chill. (laughter) And that slick Nubian king
Black Lou will be handling audience mic. (Dan)
Black Lou! (cheering and applause) (Jay)
♪ Black Lou ♪ – Which is also what he calls that Wakanda spear
in his pants. (laughter) My boy White Lou is
a… shy buck, so he’s just gonna
answer in drops if you ask him any questions. Sound chill,
you sexy wet mouths? (laughter and cheers) – I don’t think you should be
calling people that, Jacob. Not in the Me Too era. All right, who’s ready
to ask these barn animals some questions? (audience cheering) – Hey, bud, what’s your name?
– (Dan) All right. – I’m James.
Sorry about that. I’m James.
– Jinx? – James.
– James! Got it. – He’s wearin’
Blue Blockers, dude. – Look at that!
– Fuckin’ rose glasses. – What type of religious cult
does this guy run? – (laughing)
Yeah! You look like a beachside
Carradine. I mean a fuckin’ Koresh, like
if Koresh was in a beach town. – Or like a hot chick in ’81.
– Yeah. (laughter) – All right, my question is, what’s your favorite
memory of Gary? – Favorite memory–
– Favorite Gary memory. – Oh, fuck you,
comin’ in deep! – (laughter)
– Damn! – God damn, he went right–
he went for the fuckin’– – Like, where’s the weirdest
place you ever jerked off? – He just went on–
shot on the Death Star. Like, “Aah… aah…” Uh, what’s your favorite
Gary memory? – Gary, we have de–
Are you talking about me, or all of us?
– Both! Bo– well, uh… – So, you know
both of our dead– both of our dads
are deadbeats. – Oh, okay.
– Both named Gary. – Yeah.
– His is actually dead, mine’s dead to me.
– Right. – So they’re bringing up some
fuckin’ deep shit on this. – Wow.
– Uh, my favorite memory is… My dad, when he worked
at Dan’s Liquors– shout out Dan’s Liquors
in Mill Valley– my dad used to be friends
with this dude named Teddy, who was a garbage man, and the garbage was notoriously
controlled by the Mafia. So we used to get tickets
to weird shit. That’s why I got to go
to the WWF, Cow Palace in ’91. And then Teddy came through
and got us season ticket– I mean, not season tickets,
season opener tickets, to the 49ers vs. the L.A. Rams
in 1993, which was Steve Young’s
first start, and my dad took me to that. That was the shit.
That was like a fun day. – That’s very cool.
That’s very cool. – So, you know. Then he never
paid child support, so… Shout out, Gary!
Win-win! – Um…
– Who’s next? – Well, me it was– You wanted
my best Gary story, Jacob? – Jesus, Jacob. (laughter) Really are just
a fuckin’ mean person. – Jesus. Small heart,
big microphone. (laughter) (Jacob)
Another short joke. (laughter) (Jacob)
Fabulous. (laughter) (scattered applause) – I think we’ve created
a monster with this– – I love it, though. My favorite Gary memor–
It’s not even like really– I’ve told– I had the story
sort of in a– – I think the saddest
possible answer is you taking
as long as you have to think of a memory
of your father. – You’re like, “Ah, fuck it.
Pick it–” – The time that I barged
into his room, ’cause I thought somebody
was breaking into his house, and I saw my stepmom naked–
that was pretty great. – All right.
– And I could even see a bit of my dad’s eye
when I looked over– I was in a panic, and then
I saw her, and I was kinda like, “All right.” And my dad kind of
gave me like a, “Right?” (laughter and applause) – What a bonding moment! That’s like– that’s
like where he sees, he’s like, “That boy will be
a man one day.” – I mean, or when
he told my ex-wife that she had great breasts,
which was fucking… Dude, he’s such a weirdo.
He’s an odd dude. – He never even told you
that you have great breasts. That’s so sad. – Never complemented
my breasts once. – Not once, didn’t even
complement those titties. – Hell yeah.
– All right, next question. – Hey, bud, what’s your name?
– Matt. – Matt, how are you?
– Good. How are you? All right, first of all…
That was tough… – You’re the first black guy
he’s ever talked to, Lou. (laughter) It’s very exciting. Look–
– It’s scary. – He just throws his wallet
at him, he goes, “Take it! I don’t know!” – I hope his question is, “Black
Lou, can I touch your hair?” (laughter) – And then Lou just drops him
like Hasim Rahman. – I work hard for
these waves, bro. – I– I gotcha. – Dude, that would be
just a rising uppercut. – I think it’s so nice that
you guys let Jacob’s microphone hold the microphone
for these people by the way. That’s so cool.
It’s so awesome. I just think
it’s the nicest thing. – Jacob, this is
Tony’s only chance to ever make fun of somebody
smaller than him, so just let him get it out,
let him do it, man. – Dishing it back. – Yeah, very good, yeah.
– Push back. – Good one, C-U-M Punk. (laughter)
You fuckin’ dork! You wanna come
at the throne, baby boy? – Oh, I love it.
– Let’s fuckin’ go! – Skankfest! Skankfest! (all) Skankfest! Skankfest!
Skankfest! – That said, though,
you do have to admit there is nothing that
makes me feel better when a significantly fatter
person comes to my thing, and I’m like,
“This guy, right? Wow!” Get a grip on your life, dude!
– Oh, you guys, I dream of the day of meeting a man
with a bigger head than me. – “Yeah, look at his fucking
balloon-head asshole!” You go at them way hard.
– Hey, Macy’s Day, move it! – Yeah! “Hey, pig, give a shit!”
– “Oh, what did your mom drink all through the trimesters?” – Fatter and bigger head?
Impossible. – Fucking hate you!
– The only person who has a bigger head than you
is Joelberg. – Oh, yeah.
– Yeah. – This question
actually for Christine, ’cause without her,
none of this would be possible. – Yeah! – They were fine on Thursday.
– Yeah, you just made an Internet troll
punch his keyboard. He goes, “Shut up!
Don’t say that!” – So I saw you signing up
downstairs yesterday for the tattoo list. I wanna put
the pressure on you. Are you actually gonna
get a tattoo this weekend? – You did not see me signing up
for the tattoo list. You saw me
checking the tattoo list to see when I could
schedule other people. – You’re not gonna get
a skank’s tattoo? – So your question is,
is she gonna get a tattoo? (all cheering)
– Yeah, all right! – Wow!
– Lady! – First year
at the Skankfest… – Someone started
drinking again. – Yeah! – She goes, “Jay, I wanna
show ’em my bits. You talk about ’em all the time.
Time for mama to show the bits.” – Are you not getting
another tattoo? – I’m thinking I might do
this guy right here on my ankle,
like real beach trash. – Beach garbage.
– For those of you at home, it’s a mixture,
they have a combine of the Skanks logo
with “The Bonfire” logo as the mouth.
– Yeah. – Yeah.
– “Skankfire!” – So it is condoned.
“Skankfire.” – You can never have
enough slut stamps. – Wow.
– There you go. Just fucking mean.
Just a fucking mean guy. That we gave a job to.
All right, well, thanks a lot. – I get a lot of puss.
– Yeah. – There he goes, right back
to obscurity, everybody. – Oh! Tony’s holding on
to that one. – Yeah. I’m 5’9″ 145, you idiot.
(laughter) – Hey, buddy, what’s your name?
– Gabe. – Hey, Gabe.
– This one’s for Dan. Sorry about this,
but you’re amongst friends. – Yeah.
– Pretend I’m Gary. What’s the one thing you need
to say to get some emotional– – Jesus…
– Holy shit, dude! – I wish I would’ve thought
ahead to build this up so everyone keep coming up
and goes, “How you doing, bud? “My question–
my question is for Dan. How you doing, bud?
You need to talk to anybody?” – This is like one of those– – “Any new girls you like
you wanna talk about?” – This is like one of those
“60 Minute” profiles where you know they’re gonna
cry at some point. What are you gonna
walk me by the house that we lived in
in Connecticut? What the fuck is happening?!
– No, you heard him. He’s Gary.
What would you say? – Goddamn! Dude, I’m gonna go
to therapy on Tuesday. I’m like, “I don’t need this.
Let’s just hang out.” – I feel like the next guy
to ask a question is gonna be actually Gary.
He’d say, “It’s me, son!” – He goes, “I had to
fake the death. There was juice
in the insurance game.” – He goes– He takes off
a hat, he goes, “I guess my question is…
you wanna come live with me?” Yes!
– Or even better. He just goes, “I think
my question for Dan is, ‘How about that catch?'”
Yeah. (laughter and applause) Ha ha ha! “Check under your seats!
You all have your dad! Aah!” Uh, what’s the one thing
I would’ve… – Need to say.
– When do I get to say to him? Is he dead?
– What do you need to say to get some
emotional closure? What’s the one thing
you wish you could say? – For emotional closure. – Now this is getting
too specific. You’re triggering–
– No, the one thing you wish he was here for
that you never talk about. (melancholy music playing)
– Uh, the one thing I wish I would’ve said to him–
Goddamn, I love you, Lewinsky. ♪♪ I guess I would say… through song… ♪ Put the bottle down ♪ – ♪ Down ♪
– ♪ You are loved ♪ – ♪ You have love ♪ – I wrote this song
seven years ago anticipating this moment. ♪ You are loved ♪ ♪ Don’t drink anymore ♪ ♪ Mom still loves you ♪ Yeah!
But for real for real, yeah, I would’ve told him
to stop drinking. That’s the one thing.
(audience cheering) I never said it.
Don’t drink. If you’re
an alcoholic, don’t drink. Come here! – Wow!
– It’s not your fault, Dan. It was never your fault. – I didn’t know our fans were
gonna cosplay as my dad. I’m going, “Huh! Huh?
Corduroy shorts! Who am I?” – This one’s gonna go,
“I have a question for Dan. “I know I can’t be your dad,
but I’d love to be your friend.” – Yeah! Oh, dude, yeah, a young
stepdad face on this guy. – I’m wearing
corduroy shorts, too. – Holy shit.
– Oh, yeah, for FearFest. – This guy looks like
a walking emoji. – What’s your name?
– I’m JP. – He looks like a guy who likes
pineapple on his burgers. – He’s definitely a guy
that could tow a boat. – Yeah! – My question– Fuck all
the sentimental shit. Whose dick
would you rather suck, Ari’s or Joelberg’s?
– Wait, is that for Christine? – Who are you asking, all of us?
– Yeah. – You’re asking the whole squad?
– Yeah. – Goldberg the wrestler?
– No, Joel. – No, Joelberg he means.
– Oh. – This could be a real test
on your friendship by the way. – I just know for a fact
that Ari is one of the filthiest
human beings on the planet. – Yeah.
– And I know Joel really well. And, you know, for as stretched
out as that dick is, I know he doesn’t use it
that often. So I’d probably go with Joel.
I’d take a nice clean Joel load. I don’t want my chin bouncing
up against Ari’s elephantitis nuts. So, yeah, plus–
plau– plus at least Joel would probably take me out for
drinks or something after that. Ari would try to grab money
out of my pocket while I was sucking it. – You might get gored
with his horns. – I would play it–
I would play it– I’d go Ari for the simple
reason– I’m calling this a race between circumcised
and uncircumcised. – Oh!
– And I don’t wanna peel back Joelberg’s nonsense.
– Oh, you didn’t state that. That needed to be said. I didn’t know Joelberg was
rolling with a closed burrito. – Yeah.
– Still impressive, dude. Still impressive as hell,
all hell. But I mean like, uh–
– Ari has foreskin, too, but with the coupon
it’s twoskin. (audience laughing
and cheering) – Yeah. Yeah!
That one’s for… – No, you know what?
I’m gonna go– I think Ari is an angry lover, and I would want someone
who would be gentle and not like try to
fuck my throat. You know what I mean?
– Yeah. – I’m gonna go Joelberg, too.
– You’re gonna go Joelberg. Christine?
– Joel. – All right, all right!
Whoa! – When she said Joel,
a little bit of his cum dripped out of her mouth.
– Why? – Art imitating life.
– Ari– – Or life imitating art.
Fuck. CBD. – Ari’s like incest. – Oh, he’s like
too close to home. – Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Ari would be like– That would be a bit much.
– Yeah, forget being with somebody you have
an actual friendship with. Just suck off some dude. -…make me feel
like a lady again. Ugh! – Uh, Ari has gotten me off
like– Ari’s gotten me off. Why not?
So why not return it? Why not return it?
Why not return it? No, but Ari’s helped me on–
I’ve been on drugs, like heavy drugs around Ari,
and he’s pulled me back from the cliff so many times that I feel like
I owe him a “beej.” – Hey.
– So… Fucking there you go, brother.
Thanks, brother. – We all owe Ari a beej.
– Yeah. – We’re just not gonna
give him one. – Right now, Ari’s at his hotel
waking up like, “Did somebody just say
they owe me something? (laughter) – That was a funny joke and the best Ari impression
I’ve ever heard. – Really?
– I didn’t know someone could do an Ari
till you just did an Ari. – No, I did not.
That was pure luck. – It was good.
– No, that you nailed it. You hit the note. – “Did somebody say
they owe me something?” – Oh. All right, Captain Ron.
thanks for your question. (laughter) – There he goes.
– That was fucking… – All right, back to looking
for change on the beach. – Yeah! – Real quick, we have
a special request. This is Sarah.
– ♪ Sarah from Chicago ♪ – Chicago!
– Hi! – Interrobang writer,
friend of the show for years. – Love you guys.
– Oh, Sarah from Chicago. From the Interrobang. You might know her
as Comedy Junkie. – Yeah!
‘Cause she boots heroin. It’s pretty sad. Try to avoid the real
sadness in her life. – Comedy’s what get her
through the darkness of being addicted
to black tar heroin. – Yeah.
– Sarah, your thoughts? – Hey, guys–
– She listens to us when she’s dope sick.
– Black what? (Sarah laughing)
– Yeah, oh, what the– What laugh was that?
That was, “I wanna fuck Black Lou”
laugh if I ever– (high-pitched squealing) – It’s the nose a girl makes when they see Joelberg’s dick
for the first time. – Yeah.
– “It’s m– all mine?!” – Hug it. – Mwah! Ah-ha! Mwah! Mwah! – I bet if you ask him nice in
the back he’ll show it to you. You should see it.
– Yeah. – I’m cool.
(laughter) I’m gonna– I’ll odyssey
of the mind that shit. – Why? Are you afraid you’re
gonna love it too much? – I go, “I gotta have this.” – You afraid
you can’t stay away, he goes– – I go, “Dude, I didn’t know” this was the last piece
in the puzzle.” – It all fits. – Oh, I’ve been putting
the corner pieces together for years.
– So, yes– – Anything for Dan
to say emotional to his dead loved ones?
– Not even a little bit. I wanna do
a little bit of a throwback. I wanna do a little bit
of a celebration. This is the greatest party ever, and thank you so much for this. – Oh, fuck yeah.
– And so I just love spending this time laughing
with you guys, and I have to imagine you’ve
been partying for a while, so I wanna know
a throwback story of an awesome party memory
from high school, college, way back before comedy even,
just like you had… – A pre-comedy party story.
– It could be a comedy if it’s from–
I want a throwback. – This is a Christine question.
She went to a bunch– I didn’t go to parties. – She goes,
“I wanna answer for.” – Nice question,
Barbara Walters. Way to get down
to the good stuff. Bitches, right?
– Yes, this is a party! – Mean– fucking mean Jacob. All right, Christine,
do you have a party story off the top of your head?
– I have so many. None of them
are that interesting. They’re all just me ending up
like too hammered, so– – Didn’t you almost fuck a chick
while a bunch of people watched? – Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughter and cheering) So I didn’t, like, come out until like 2011, but I was always
attracted to woman, and when– – Women!
– Women! – It’s all right,
I’m right here for you. – And, uh, I’d only hooked up
with one girl, and we were at a drama party,
and if you know drama kids… – Dude, drama kids fuck!
– I was choir. – Drama kids
and band kids fuck. – Like we’re the dirty nerds,
so, uh, I don’t know, man. This chick Monica
and she was really hot. I liked her a lot,
and I just like… I started trying to like
go down on her in a room, and I– She was like–
she kind of wanted to, you know, just fuckin’ not go
all the way, and then I looked out
the window and there’s like two guys
from my drama class like… And I didn’t stop. (audience cheering) – She really tells it from
a dude’s perspective, too. “Oh, man, Monica was
looking good.” – She goes, “I’m sitting there
taking down a Bud Light. I look over.
Monica’s hot to trot.” – “I’m doing a kegerator.” – “Two of those queefs
in ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ “are outside. I go, ‘Now this is how you eat
pussy, you theater queers.'” – They were from
my Shakespeare acting class. – They were?
– Yeah, with Ron Scarlotto. – You’re so good at Shakespeare.
You’re so good at Shakespeare. My favorite party story
was actually with Ari– Ari– I did MDMA
for the first time with Ari at Bonnaroo, and, uh, it was like
the greatest drug experience of my life, ’cause I had just access
to cold water bottles the whole time. And also Nate Bargatzi
got hammered, and I yelled at him
and then the drug kicked in, and it was the weirdest
transition of being like, “Dude, you’re fucking–
Oh, what’s up?” – Yep.
– And then LCD Soundsystem. I’d never seen ’em,
and I watched ’em live for the first time, and it was
just like the fuckin’– I have a video of it on my phone
that I watch when I’m sad. (laughter)
It was awesome. – Yeah, I’m not really
the party story guy, but I’ll roll right off
of what you said, ’cause you reminded me
the first time I ever did molly was at Bonnaroo as well. Fresh out of high school,
and it was– I can’t remember
the year or whatever, but it was the Dead
and, um, and, uh– Fuck! Somebody else. – So this was like
when Bonnaroo was Bonnaroo? – Yeah.
– It was like a jam festival in the middle
of fuckin’ Tennessee. – Yes, and it was crazy,
and it was a beautiful night. And we had molly and mushrooms. And it was
my first time doing both. And I did the molly first
and everything was great. And then I did the mushrooms,
and it started raining. – Yeah.
– And I was loving it. It was a hot Tennessee night
under the rain. And then I went back
to our tent, and it was completely flooded,
and my sleeping bag– I mean, underwater. Sleeping bag, pillow,
my backpack. Everything in the tent
was completely ruined. I lost my wallet too during
that entire trip. And I was having fun
just tripping my balls off, but then it got serious
with the big twist around 2:00 a.m. So I went to the medical tent and faked being super sick so that I could
just sleep there. – Nice!
What a fucking thought process. So if you ever do that– if
you’re ever on too much drugs, go to the medical tent
like fucking elementary school. – Yep.
– Say you have a stomach ache. You’re like,
“I need to lay down.” – Yeah, basically they thought
I was about to have an overdose on more
serious drugs than mushrooms. – Yeah!
Jay? – I don’t really go
to parties at all. – You have the story
of when you got too… fucked up on Shiprocks
or Motorboat, but I think you may have
already told that. Oh, that’s also not pre-comedy.
– Yeah. – He’s being com–
19 he started doing comedy. – Yeah, I started comedy
when I was 19, so I didn’t really go to any–
– Mine was Ours was when we were in comedy. – An after-party when I was
opening for Dave Attell, Mohegan Sun one time
at an after– This isn’t a good story, though.
It’s just hilarious. That, uh, Dave Attell,
I came out of the bathroom at this party,
and he looks at me and he goes,
“That shot’s for you.” This is still
Drinking Dave Attell. – Yeah.
– “That shot’s for you.” – And Attell, I always say
I love him so much, because he’s so generous
and he knows what you like. – Yeah.
– But just off a touch. – So he’s like–
– So, like, for instance, he’d be like,
when we get in the car he’d be like, “I got you
four packs of cigarettes.” But it was like not exactly
the kind I smoked. – So if you smoked
Marlboro Reds he got you Marlboro Lights?
– Something like that, yeah. Essentially yeah. But you’re like, “Of course
I’m gonna take–” It’s so sweet of him.
And when I got off– I drank– whatever I drink,
tequila or vodka, chilled. It’s very important
its chilled ’cause I hate
the taste of booze. And I walked
out of the bathroom and he just looked over
his shoulder goes. “That’s you right there.” And I grabbed it
just assuming he knew. And I go, “Nice.”
And I pound– It was just hot vodka.
– Ugh! – And I welled it up
in my cheeks real big, and then swallowed it through
like the thinnest little… – Eww!
– And then immediately just yakked all over the bar
right behind him. Attell’s looking like this
and it happens right here. And then I go in the bathroom
and I clean myself up, and I come out, and I don’t
think Attell to this day, unless he’s in this room, has
any fuckin’ idea that happened. – Really?
– I came out, I was like, “You wanna go to
a different place? Bartender’s a dick here.” – I feel like there is
really two eras of Drinking Dave Attell
and Not Drinking Dave Attell and I showed up right
when Attell quit drinking, and just like all these
awesome stories, and you’re like, “Fuck!” It’s like drinking
with Hemmingway. It’s fucking–
Attell’s awesome! – We have time
for one more question. – One more question.
– Yeah. – Gonna keep it light for Dan. – Oh, Jesus.
– Sorry. – All right.
– If you had the ability to bring Andre the Giant
back to life, would you do it, but the Niners will never win
a Super Bowl in your lifetime? – Ooh!
– Ooh! – Fucking–
The Giant stays dead. – Ah!
– Go, Niners! Get the fuck outta here.
– Fair enough. – What?
– Crackle crackle! – Yeah, good question though. “I want to come back.” Not so fast, motherfucker! Sweet Jimmy G gonna be
deep dickin’ the NFC West this season. ♪♪ We’re gonna make you
better, Lou. Stronger, faster. – Taller?
– Nope, sorry, bud. – We weren’t actually
properly introduced. – What?
– I’m Andy. Known as Merc Face.
Original “Bonfire” producer. – Ooh, now I know you. – Is my arm hairy back there? – Yeah.
– A little bit. – Looks like a wet cat
getting shaved. – Easy!
– Sorry. Black Lou,
you got cameras on you, so you better act cool
about it. – Ready? – This is gonna be
your reaction. – A tear just comes down
like Denzel in “Glory.” – Dude, if you just did it
where you like, “Stop! Stop, it hurts!” Jacob’s gonna pass out.
– He looks like it. – Better man than me.
– Yeah, Jacob’s like, “Uh, can we cut? I need five.
I need about ten outside.” How’s it feel?
– It’s good. I like tattoo–
Uh, it’s not really pain– – Would you ever get
your nipples pierced? – No, I don’t need any more
attention to my man tits. – It’s pretty cool
to see the logo… on your body. – Forever.
– For-ev-er! – Is there something
they’ve asked for that you’ve refused to tattoo? – Like a…
swastika or whatever. – Yeah, Jacob–
– That’s the one. – Yeah, Jacob, that was
his long way of being like, “Has anyone done a swastika?” – My– my point of view is that
I wouldn’t not do it because I like people to know
who they’re dealing with. – Okay.
– So if you’re that type of person, I got no problem
with letting the world know that that’s who you are.
– Yeah. – You know what I mean?
So I’ve never said… – She goes, “Plus I also think
they had a lot of great ideas and they just mis-executed
in a couple places,” and you’re like, “What’s up? What’s that last part?”
– You have a tattoo, right? – Yeah.
– Just one? – I got two.
I got one on my back, one on my shoulder.
– Right. – When did you get those? – 16 on my back.
– 16? – 19 on my shoulder. Both in the same mini-mall
in Aurora, Colorado, and the shoulder definitely
got a long cover up. – Mini-mall tattoos. – Took a good 12 hours
of covering up. It was a lovely job,
and my apologies to the original
tattoo artist because I picked
the tribal design. That is on me. I take full blame. Does that hurt?
– Nope. – No? I think he’s lying. I think you’re lying. I think you’re trying
to be cool. At all? Nothing at all?
– No. – Black Lou,
not even a little bit? – Nope.
– Okay. – I’m afraid it’s gonna
catch up to me, though. – All right, what about now? I just punch him
in the shoulder. Pop! He’s like,
“What the fuck?” – What about now?
– Yeah, I just push her hand in. Kaah! Yeah. Have you ever tattooed people
harder you don’t like? Oh, that was–
You can’t see that look, but that was 100% yes. – That is a cover up
under there. – Of what?
– I’m not telling. – What’s the orig–
I told my cover up story. – Yeah, but mine’s
super embarrassing. – What’s yours?
– It was a quote. – What was the quote?
– I’m not saying. – Say the quote.
– Oh, my gosh, in judgment. – Say the quote,
or I’ll have Corey fucking tattoo
the shit out of you. – It was– God damn it.
It said– it said,
“Life is still sweet.” (laughter) – Hey!
You’re here. – Jay! – ♪ Oh, we’re in here
getting the blues ♪ ♪ Come on, get rhythm ♪ – Looks good. – I like having a cheerleader
next to me as I work. – See? Hi, Dan Soder.
Tattoo artist cheerleader. – Hype man.
– I teach you the right terms. – Hype man!
– Yeah, straight hype man. – Oh, shit!
This is the best, though! Ha ha! New tattoo! ♪♪ – Ta-dah!
– Yeah! Dope. – I love it. (fire crackling) – It’s “The Bonfire”
live at Skankfest. – We acknowledge
the monarchy here. – I’m Dan Soder.
That’s Big Jay Oakerson. Our guest Tony Hinchcliffe. Listen to “Kill Tony.”
Go see “Kill Tony” when it’s in your city. What a fuckin’ fun show,
you guys. Well, that about does it
for “Live at Bonfire.” – Fucking big deal, man.
Skankfest this year. – It’s a big fuckin’ deal.
– We fuckin’– Pretty impressive, man.
– You guys all showing up. So that about does it.
(scattered laughter) So that about does it. – Just, you know…
show’s pretty much over. – I feel like a guy wearing
a wire that’s gonna get killed. All right… “So, the police
should be here!” – Fuckin’ nailed it.
– (Peter Griffin laugh) – Um…
– Well, that about does it! (Jay laughing) (yelling)
Well, that about does it! – This is gonna be
an editing nightmare. – What the fuck? – So, you know…
that about does it. – Whatever– whatever was
supposed to happen– – I’ll tell you this.
I’m fuckin’ mad at that person right now.
– Ohh. – ‘Cause it’s a person that
bothers you about details so much that when– Yeah,
you already know who it is. – They must’ve tripped
over Joelberg’s dick. – Dude, what if they died?
– It’s possible. It is blocking up
a lot of space back there. – Yeah, it’s fuckin’…
– Joelberg’s dick. – One–
Well, that about does it! (scattered laughter)
– Wow. (quickly)
– That about does it! – Ha ha ha! WNBC! – WNBC! – So, you know,
I’ll keep doing it. So that about does it.
– You know what’s funny is– They’re like, “Well, no,
I didn’t know when to–” And you’re like, “You didn’t
think that was the sentence? You didn’t think that
the fuckin’ 40th time?” You’d be like, “Oh, that’s it!” – I wanna do an impression
of the person, but I don’t wanna give it away.
– Can’t do it. Well, that about does it.
– Oh, not so fast, everybody. – Ahh!
– No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This show’s not over yet.
– Oh, well, it’s gonna be. – Is it?
– I am the reigning defending “Bonfire” Air Drum Champion.
(all cheering) – That was– that was last year!
That was last year, Justin! – That was a year ago, dude.
– No, no, no, no. You’ve been ducking me all year,
Big Jay Jokerson. I challenge you
to a rubber match. – What, you’re gonna get–
You wanna take on Jay for the title–
– Oh, yeah, no, he’s been ducking me all year. – You wanna put
your title on the line against Big Jay right here
at Skankfest? What the fuck? (cheering and applause) – You look like you can only
get hard on a cruise ship. (laughter) – If you don’t have coke
in one of those pockets, then that fucking–
– Two of those pockets. – So you want Jay.
– Me and Jay, right here, right now, rubber match.
– What do you guys say? – Wow.
– Jay? – No.
– No? – Jay, you don’t wanna do it?
– No. – I don’t wanna do it.
– Sorry, Justin. – I don’t wanna do it, dude.
It’s fuckin’– – One of you “Bonfire”
bitch boys gotta take this crown from me. – Wow.
– (Jacob) I’m your huckleberry. (audience groaning) – Hey, what?
–Daniel LaRusso is gonna fight?♪♪Daniel LaRusso
is gonna fight?♪♪Daniel LaRusso
is gonna fight!♪♪– You don’t talk
to Jay and Dan like that. You don’t talk about
the first champion of air drum challenge
like that, Justin. You won…
bullshit last year. You don’t scare me! I have “Bonfire” blood in me. – Let’s do it,
little man. – Yeah! Let’s do it. (cheering and applause)
– And don’t kiss me! – We’re gonna do one round!
– One round, one song! – “Bonfire” drum-off,
one round! Justin is the champion.
He goes first. You’re handing out Coronas? – Really buttering up
the audience. – Didn’t you ever
think about people might have
a drinking problem? I don’t know, maybe
I’m just a sensitive guy. – I’ll take one. – Heck yeah. (Dan)
All right, Justin, you’re up. (Asian-style flute playing) – This is the champion,
Justin “The Beastmaster” Silver. – Lou. (cheering on speakers,
upbeat Caribbean music) ♪♪ ♪♪ (Dan)
Wow! – Wow.
– With Caribbean flare! – That’s great.
– Justin Silver! That is fuckin’–
with Black Lou on trumpet! – (cheering and applause)
– That’s great. – Jacob, you all right? (laughter) – Do you think
you can do this? (dramatic music playing) – Yeah? Those push-ups
might have fucked you up, dude. – Wow.
– You ready to go? Let’s do it, dude. Jacob… touching the dirt,
like “Gladiator.” (laughter) Tebowing.
He’s ready. – Jacob, take your time
with this. – Jacob, this is dangerous. – And let’s fuckin’
make this thing happen. Are you ready to bring the crown
back to “The Bonfire”? (cheering and applause) Let’s strap you in. (laughter) Oh, no. I don’t thi– I hope you’re not doing
what I think you’re doing. Okay. – Oh, my God. (cheering over speakers) – Jacob Battat, everybody!
Make some fuckin’ noise! (cheering and applause) (heavy metal playing) ♪♪ ♪♪ (cheering and applause) (cheering and applause) – Jacob Battat! Come on! He won! He won! Jacob’s the champ! Skankfest 2019! (cheering and applause) Crackle crackle,
motherfuckers! Tony Hinchcliffe,
Jacob Battat! Good night! (cheering and applause) (triumphant music continues) – We love you, Skankfest! This has been “The Bonfire”! Crackle crackle. (fire crackling) – Hold on, Cory. I’m thinking about
my sharks right now. ♪♪ – Jacob!
– Jacob! (crowd whooping
and catcalling) – Hi, I’m Jacob
from “The Bonfire.” We just finished out show
here at Skankfest. It went really well. Also, I had an air drum contest,
and of course I won. ♪♪ Lynn told me to say
that I’m looking for love. Yeah, all right.
I’ll admit it, yeah. I’m looking for love.
You’re not? I’m passionate about
keeping the earth clean. I like scuba-diving. I clean up
every scrap of plastic I can pick up
while I’m down there. My favorite sharks are,
in order, starting with number five. I would say it’s a whale shark,
’cause it’s like… a whale and a shark. How cool is that? Number four, I would say
a thresher shark. Always loved them because
their tails are almost as long as the body is. Uh, we gotta protect them,
there’s not a lot left of ’em. Let’s see… tiger shark
would have to be number three, because the U.S.S. Indianapolis, that’s the famous beach
in “Jaws” where Quint tells everyone
that, uh, his entire crew was
eaten apart by tiger sharks. And then would be
great white, of course. We gotta put that at the top
because of “Jaws.” But no, I’m putting that second,
and then my number one would be hammerheads, because they’re just
the coolest-looking shark. What else looks
like a hammerhead? So line up, ladies. ♪♪ I live in Astoria.
I’m a big NASCAR fan. Big of Joey Logano. And last November was one of the greatest
nights in my life, because I had the whole
“Bonfire” crew over and I got to see my favorite
driver in the world win with every person
from “The Bonfire.” (indistinct shouting) – (laughing)
Yeeeah! (shouting and laughing
and applause) – Whoooo! ♪♪ – This is nothing to me.
I work at Sirius XM. The worst part about my job
is that I have to edit the best of the week, and then
I have to listen to my voice, which is torture for me. Dan and Jay are the two
nicest people on earth, and the more they bust your
balls, the more they love you. That voice of mine, when
they do it, makes me cringe. – (imitating Jacob)
Prison rules, I called out the biggest guy, and I wanted
to fight him for supremacy, and then I just chickened up,
I shook up. He got me. – (imitating Jacob) A guy
asked me what size shoe I wear. I said, “Your size, bitch.” – But it’s all out of love. I once read this interview
with Kevin Bacon. That’s right, the star
of “Footloose.” And he says that he can’t stand listening to his
recorded voice, either. That always stuck with me,
and I remember thinking, “I have one thing in common
with Kevin Bacon.” The star of “Footloose”
and me. So that’s all right. You know, I can
live with that. ♪♪ Cory thinks he’s all that
with his tight T-shirts and his porno. But this is who’s the man
right here. You know who’s sitting
on the Iron Throne? Jacob, that’s who. “Game of Thrones”
pinball machine. Spoiler alert.
I killed it. ♪♪ How do I want
to be remembered? (crowd shouting) (man) ♪ Gettin’ that
sweet sweet pussy ♪ ♪ Talkin’ ’bout Jacob… ♪ – I’m all right
with “Bonfire” producer. (crowd cheering) (man)
Jacob! – That’s not a bad thing
to have on your tombstone. (crowd shouting) “He liked sharks,
he liked shooting guns, and he produced one hell
of a radio show.” Not bad. ♪♪ (fire crackling) – Kicked in our money
and bought a, uh… bought a parking meter. – This is where
all the money went. We own these streets. – This little son of a bitch
put my daughter through college. – This is the thing that keeps
my grandma’s AC on. – How are ya, Marcus?
– Yeah, we named it. We named it. ♪♪ – Dude, I see a fuckin’
American cowboy hat. – Oh, you know
what that must mean. – And I see a fuckin’ big… – The Puerto Rican Rattlesnake
is here! – Ohh, shit.
– Well, if anyone… – Except in the street. – If anybody wants to be
a part of– – This is a punk rock festival. Why don’t you corporate bigwigs
get the fuck outta here? Uh, I’m just kidding.
No, they’re not laughing. – (laughing)
It just got too real. They’re like, “Fuck you.”
Bobby Kelly, Rich Vos, coming over here. You already
walked in the fuckin’– – Are you firing shit? – Yeah.
– Yeah. What were you guys doing
during your podcast? – Our radio show?
– It’s a radio show. – Yeah, whatever it is.
– That we sold out the ballroom? – Hey, dude, relax.
– Sold it out, the whole– (overlapping chatter) – The whole thing sold out,
fuck face. – It was still full, though.
– Full though. – It was full. Full.
Standing room only. Suckin’ dicks.
– You guys were? – No, we have
people suckin’ dicks. – That’s pretty cool.
– Real gay guy. – Really?
– A real gay guy. Guys see that?
Skankfest allows gays. – What? Are these–
– Don’t phrase it like that. – What? We do!
– But you phrase it like that– – We’re not welcoming,
but we allow. – Are these the cameras that–
from– for your thing on your radio show, outside,
when you smoke cigarettes? – Yeah.
– You need three? – It’s a special day.
– They are wasting money. – We could do this with
an iPhone, for God’s sakes. No offense, I don’t want you
to lose a job. – Well, you did.
– We got Dan’s camera, my camera, and then your
local pornographer Cory. – Hi, Cory.
– He films porn. – You know what
I think the problem is? – Who’s the lady
with the headset? – You met Lynn!
– I met Lynn? – You’ve met both of them.
– I have– I met you, Lynn? Never met Lynn.
– Lynn and Cory. It was there in the studio.
– Pothead. – (Dan) Hey.
– I know, of course, him. I don’t know–
Do I know you? No, I don’t know you.
– You wish you knew her. Chloe? She’s got a hot name,
too? Good for you. – Bryan.
– Bryan, hot man. – Are you hitting on Chloe? – Me? I’m single. – Hell yeah.
– But it’s– it’s– It’s Skankfest, so I’m mostly
hitting on Bryan. – (Dan) ‘Cause you allow it.
– Yeah. – Hey, right now,
is Vos behind me? – Yeah.
– Just checkin’. – You can feel it?
– I can feel it. (Dan)
This is what we do, everybody. We force our friends to stand
awkwardly out on the sidewalk and film them.
– Let me see your shirt. Your cowboy… you wear that
for “The Bonfire”? – Yep.
– That’s fuckin’ amazing. – I love that shirt, that’s–
Is that one Louis– – Threw it at Kurt. – That’s a great shirt.
– And Jay’s blocking it. – I’m trying to get that
scrubbed from the internet, and… now you’re just
wearing it on a T-shirt. – Why are you trying to get it
scrubbed from the internet? – He’s got kids.
– So what? – There’s a shirt with you on it
that says “pedophile.” – Yeah.
– Yeah, (indistinct). – There’s a lot of worse shit
out there for you on the internet
than this picture. – That’s not good.
– No, but look at your form, dude, on that follow-through.
– Dude, that follow-through. – It really does–
Am I not better at throwing– – I mean, the back leg was up. – Yeah, you look like
Dennis Eckersley. (laughter)
– I liked it. – It was a baseball joke. – I liked it.
Oakland A’s. He’s a fuckin’ Hall-of-Famer.
– Thank you. Red Sox. – I knew that, obviously.
– Well, be he also did most of his damage
at the A’s. – I didn’t realize how much fuckin’ torque you put
on that thing. – Yeah, I know, looks like
Venus Williams. – That’s why it rose on ya.
– (laughter) – The producer liked it. (laughter) Sound guy’s still out.
Nothing, guy? Fuckin’ nothin’ from you?
– B-roll camera guy over here. – I mean, can you fake it
at all? – This camera’s Cory,
who lit a porn before and said he didn’t get a boner. – You didn’t? What kind of porn
was it, though? Wait…
– It was office porn. It was lady-on-lady…
– Girl-girl? – …trying to get a job.
– Forget it, that’s boring. – Yeah, but…
– All right. – Try doing a tranny
babysitter porn. See if you can last
through that. I doubt it. – Why does it look like
you produced one? (laughter) – With the cigar? Yes. “I could shoot it
for $3,700.” – Bobby…
– “I’ll get you everybody.” – Bobby Kelly stays
ahead of the genres. I’ll tell ya what’s comin’.
Babysitter stepfather. – Have you met Brazzers creator
Robert Kelly? – She-male camp counselor porn.
Try doing that. (laughter)
– Bobby from “The Deuce.” – Does anybody watch
she-male porn here? – I don’t know, but–
– I’ve seen it. – I don’t know, but Jay and Rich
on both side of you look like shitty security.
– (laughter) – In their cutoff shirts. – What’s up? I didn’t use it,
but I’ve seen it. – What do you mean,
you didn’t use it? – I didn’t jerk off to it.
– Not to cum but… – Wait, what kind of porn?
– She-male porn. – I– first of all, I don’t– – If you’re fuckin’ a chick.
– I don’t watch porn. – What do you mean? – They gotta be
fuckin’ a chick. – The she-male, the trans–
Wait a minute. The trans– – Yeah, chick with a dick
fucking an actual chick. – Chick with a dick
fuckin’ a chick is what does it for you? – I didn’t say it does it
for me, it has to be– I’ve watched that.
– I like buying stuff on Amazon. (laughter) – That’s–
you jerk off to that? – That’s so funny, that’s what
Bonnie catches you doing? – I got some Jordan 2s coming. Time to slap one out.
– Bonnie’s like, “God damn it!
God damn it, Rich, the receipt notification
went to my phone.” – (laughter)
– “It’s on the way.” – “Did you just
order 50 fedoras?” “Yeah…”
– (laughter) – Just ordering Vos stuff. – She called me
the other night, crying. I go, “Did I get a package?” (laughter) – All right, I’m bored.
– All right. Let’s go watch Bennington
and Attell. Bye, Louis. – Bye, buddy.
I’ll see you later. – That was a smoke break.
Comedy Central, you really just got
your bang for your buck. – Rich Vos, everyone.
– Now the real headliner will talk.
– Yeah. – “Kreeps with Kids”…
– Nine, uh, nine cities? – 13, or 16?
“Kreeps with Kids” I’m pluggin’. – Is he pluggin’ it right?
– Yeah. – Get outta the way of the
fuckin’ third camera, ya mook. – Oh, they can’t
see you behind me? (laughter) – You asked for that, Bobby.
– Why they gotta be mean? – Yeah, you did, you kinda
walked into that one. – You walked way into that one.
Get out of my way? He’s always out of your way.
– Well, you’re– (laughing) You didn’t have
to double down on it. That’s chubby-on-chubby crime.
– You guys on a tour bus? – A tour bus?
– Oh, really? – You know we can’t
fit on a tour bus. – Can you guys ride Harleys,
like “Road Dogs”? Remember that Tim Allen movie?
– Oh, hell, yeah. With John Travolta?
– Travolta. – “Wild Hogs.”
– “Wild Hogs!” – You guys should just
“Wild Hogs” it. (laughter) – That’s actually
a pretty good idea. – Every time he leaves his
house, he wild hogs it. – All right.
– (laughter) – Got one guy. One guy.
– Doesn’t even make sense. – One die-hard Vos-head.
– They just laughed. They laughed ’cause they heard
hog, they thought it was a fat– – Ronnie B. in a sidecar
for Chris Stanley. – (laughing) Yeah.
– I just found an extra hundred. – You did?
– (chuckles) Yeah. – Oh, someone’s getting a new
pinky ring on Amazon. (laughter) – All right.
– Let’s go inside and watch this
fuckin’ interview. – Attell and Bennington. (fire crackling)